Nicole’s Blog

I’m starting to realize that a lot of why I put up walls around myself is because I don’t know how to deal with feelings, emotions, or what-have-you. I used to think it was to protect myself from being hurt, which I still know is true, but a lot of it is actually because I don’t want others to see me in pain, and because I don’t know how to deal with anger and other similar feelings without crying… so, instead, I act like I don’t care enough to be hurt. Does that make sense? Anyways, that’s that.

And what the fuck is up with me backing myself up against the ass-kicking machine? Christ, I can be so fucking stubborn sometimes! I pick and choose who I’ll care about enough to let them fuck with my head, and I always end up letting in the ones who DO fuck with my head, and keep out all the people who I subconsciously know would never do that to me (not toooo too long ago, I pushed a really, really good person out of my life because I’m an asshole). I try so hard to not be one of “those” girls, and I like to tell myself and others that I’m NOT like other girls, but I guess you’ve just got to call a spade, a spade. When will I learn? Well, if I really am one of “those” girls, the answer is probably “never.” Die in a fire, world… die in a fire.

I’m starting to feel homesick again. The sucky thing about it is that, soon, I’ll have been here for 2 years, and I have a notorious pattern of giving up on things after two years. Examples:  I quit smoking for 2 years and started again, I maintained 2 years of sobriety in a sober living house when I was a teenager, my longest relationship (without on-again, off-agains) was 2 years… this list really could go on, but I’ll stop. Anyways, I’m starting to wonder if living in Texas will last for longer than 2 years. Who knows… I could be really reaching to come up with this “2 Years” crap, but I guess only time will tell. Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? I guess I just need to get back home (yes, “home”) for vacation SOON, so I can see how I feel being back there; see if it still feels like home, or if it only feels like a familiar place I used to live. If it still feels like home to me, I think I need to start exploring a way to move back. But who knows? I could go back and end up having it feel foreign to me. Either way, I’m really anxious to test the water. I feel like I had an easier time making friends and meeting people back home than I’ve had here, but the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Anyone who disagrees is a dirty fucking liar.

It’s been a long time since my last post. My bad…

So much has been going on, I don’t even know where to start. I guess a good place would be with what’s on my mind right this second, which is the fact that I have a disgruntled ex-employee who filed a claim against my company with the EEOC. Joy. He’s claimed he was terminated due to retaliation and racial discrimination. What a crock. Seriously. I have 2 other employees who are the same race as him, and neither of them have ever come to me because they felt discriminated against. Anyways… as if he didn’t make my life hell enough while he still worked for me, he’s making my life hell still because I’ve spent MANY hours this week interviewing with HR, writing statements, and pulling my phone records off the internet to show that this guy has been texting me since we fired him.  Blahhh.

That aside, I spent 4 days in Charlotte, NC at the end of February visiting my friend Jimmy. Our friendship is, by far, the oldest one I have (we’ve been friends since I was 13). It was soooo awesome to go there! I really liked North Carolina. I thought all the trees were beautiful, plus it was a cozy 40 degrees throughout my whole trip. Woot! Jimmy’s roommate is from California too, and she actually grew up about 50 miles from where I grew up, so we spent a lot of time reminiscing about home, and driving Jimmy nuts with our lingo. Good times! I wish I could have gone for longer.

In one of my last posts (I think it was my most recent one?) I talked about how I was second-guessing my new friendships here. For a while, all my new friends disappeared off the planet, but we’re talking again now which is pretty sweet. We’re supposed to be going out tomorrow, but I don’t know yet if I can go because I’m preeetty sure I’m going to be having car problems from the storm we had today. It’s shuddering again like it was after the storm we had last year that took out part of my engine. Hmph

And lastly, my brother and his girlfriend came out here to visit in mid-February! It was freakin’ awesome! I hadn’t seen my brother since Christmas 2007 at our mom’s house… just a couple of days before I moved to Texas. I miss my brothers <3

I’m sitting in bed right now with an icepack on my ankle, and I can’t help but to think about how awesome this last week has been. Seriously, it’s been great. On Thursday, I got to go out with all my friends from work that I hadn’t spent time with since November. On Friday, I got to see my older brother after going well over a year without seeing him. On Saturday, I got to see him again, and now on Sunday I got to go race go-karts and play arcade games with all my employees for a work party. The go-karts are actually how I ended up with the icepack on my ankle. Some dumbass kids caused a massive accident on the track, and I got slammed into by some kid that I hope never gets a driver’s license. My ankle smashed into the rail on the inside of the go-kart, and now my ankle bone is hella bruised and swollen. Hmph. Whatever - it was a good night Aaaand I’m now the proud owner of a furry Care Bears pencil, thanks to prize tickets from trivia pwnage. Woot!

This next week promises to be just as great as last week, too! On Wednesday, I’ve got my first round of physical therapy for my gimp shoulder, and then on Sunday, I fly out to Charlotte, NC until next Wednesday to spend some time with a friend I’ve had for 11 or 12 years (yes folks, that’s the oldest friendship I’ve got!). I’m so amped - I can’t wait to go! I’m excited about seeing my friend, but I’m also really excited about getting away from work for 4 days.

I’m starting to feel so at home in Texas. It’s a great relief, and it came very slowly, but I’m really happy about it. If there’s one thing that sucks, it’s living 3,000 miles away from anything familiar, and having that constant, nagging feeling that you  belong somewhere else. The only real issue I’m having right now is trying to decide whether to move to Dallas, or to renew my lease where I’m staying in Bedford. I mean, I live so far from work right now, and it’s really inconvenient to commute so far each morning. I love the White Rock Lake area of Dallas, and I already found an apartment complex that I really want to move into. It’s just that I really love where I live now, and I don’t want to deal with packing up all my things and moving all over again. I had to do it twice last year, and I don’t feel ready to do it again. If I don’t do it in April though, I’ll be stuck here for another year and won’t be able to leave if I change my mind. Hmm I love Dallas, and I love all the things there are to do there, but I really like living in the suburbs, too. It’s safer and prettier and there’s less traffic. It’s just kinda boringgg…

So I went to see a doctor tonight, and she confirmed that I have bronchitis. Joy… I think I’ve covered all the “itises” in the last 3 months. Sinusitis, tendonitis, bronchitis… I’m so special And lucky me, I’ve enjoyed (not!) a steroid injection from each one of them. I’m gonna look like Barry Bonds soon, methinks. Whatever - I’m just glad I have a diagnosis now, because medication comes with a diagnosis, so I can start to feel better. I’m so glad that I have the day off tomorrow! Now I can finally SLEEP! My cough syrup (with codeine. What!) will be sure to get things started on the right foot. I’m so excited about the coughing finally going away!

I’m SO irritated right now! Irritated with work, my health, my personal life… everything! I pre-ordered the new P.O.S album, which I got today, and was hoping it’d be amazing enough to make me feel better, but it’s just a total letdown Even if I was perfectly serene, this album would still be a letdown. I’m still gonna give it a listen in my car (where the sound system is better), but I’m fairly sure that a speaker system won’t fix this. *sigh* On top of that, I’m pretty sure I have a new set of molars growing in, which is soooo painful. I feel like a 2-year old because I want a teething ring. lol! All I want is to chew on something to make it feel better. It’s definitely time to see a dentist. Seriously though, what 24-year old grows new teeth? I was fairly adamant that I had gotten my wisdom teeth when I was 16 or 17… but who knows? Apparently not, because dees are sum srs tooths.

The main reason I wish I wasn’t sick is because I haven’t been able to go out for a couple of weeks. I also haven’t been my normally bubbly and social self because I’ve felt like complete and utter crap. I’m starting to think that my new crowd is a little more critical than they try to appear, because they haven’t been the same towards me since I got sick. Like I’m a downer or something because I’m not my usual smiley, outgoing, vivacious self.  To be honest, I’m pretty sure that my cold has turned into bronchitis. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow, and I guess I’ll see what they say. All I know is that I’ve been living off of Theraflu and cough syrup for the last 2 solid weeks, and now I’m starting to get a stomach ache and nausea after I take it, so I’m thinkin’ it’s time to call it quits on all that. Guess I’ll see what happens tomorrow… but I just want to feel better. And to like, be able to talk without coughing.

The new year is almost here, but today marks the anniversary of an event even bigger to me than New Years: as of today, I have officially lived in Texas for 1 year. And what an insane year it’s been! I still remember the overcoming sense of relief I felt when I was driving down Griggs Rd. in Houston and saw my apartment complex in the distance. I remember it like it was yesterday. I wish I could explain the sense of excitement and relief that I felt when, after driving for 31 hours, I had finally made it to my new home. Yes, I still had to sign all of my paperwork and move all of my things in, but I was finally HOME. The thought of that word made me shudder just knowing that “home” was now 1,500 miles from my family and friends, and I was here all alone.

Then I get to thinking about all the things that have happened since I’ve been here! I mean, I spent my first 2 weeks here white-knuckling it in my car because I was driving on a road system I was completely unfamiliar with, I was dependent upon my GPS to get me to and from work, to the grocery store, to get dinner… I mean, EVERYTHING. Then I got thrown into a store manager position while the existing, unknowing store manager was ON VACATION (that was such a fucking mess). Then, just 2 months after getting to Houston, I was already looking for a new apartment in Dallas/Ft. Worth. There was the car accident, which fucked up everything, and then eventually the excitement of getting my car back (3 months later), with all those false alarm “Your car is ready!” drives back to Houston in between. I made an amazingly great friend and had to move away from her (but damn, B, we had some bad-ass sushi!), and then I made another amazing friend who moved away from me. I had my heart broken to pieces, I had to watch the city I once called “home” get ravaged by Hurricane Ike, and let’s not forget the sinus infection that took my vision with it. LOL! What a crazy year… but what a great year. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. This year has ended 100% better than it started, and I don’t regret being here at all. I have so many amazing friends and memories (my drunk co-worker reaching to help blind, sick Nikki get her glasses out of her purse, and then falling out of his chair and breaking his finger in the middle of Cafe Brazil at 2am. Good times!), and I miss my friends back home like hell. I miss sitting on the floor in Kira’s bedroom while we watched Veronica Mars, ate tomato soup with grilled cheese with pickles, drinking beer. I don’t, however, miss my psycho aunt or Inglewood.

I can’t wait to see what 2009 is going to be like.

Uggggh I’m so mad at myself right now! Last night I went out drinking with some friends, and I ended up smoking 3 cigarettes. What the hell, Nicole?? I quit smoking 2 years ago and fought off every single urge I’ve had since then. Until last night, I hadn’t even had one puff of a cigarette since I quit… and I smoke THREE in one night!! Urgh! I’d been having a really, really hard time with it lately. It got to the point where I was fighting off cravings that were SO strong that I told myself, “Just wait until the morning. If you’re still craving one in the morning, go buy a pack.” I had to tell myself that because the cravings were so strong that there was no way I could possibly bear to go one more day feeling that way, but I needed to put it off any possible way… for the time being. Well last night I finally cracked. I’d spent one-too-many nights drinking in a smoke-filled bar, and I caved. The worst part of it all is that now my brain is telling me today, “Just go buy a pack. You don’t have to smoke them all in one day like you used to! Space them out over a week or two - you’re strong enough for that!” Thank GOD I have enough sense to know that’s just my addiction talking to me… trying to creep it’s way back. Fuck you, cigarettes. God I’m so pissed at myself.

Aside from the whole smoking thing, I had a pretty kick-ass Christmas. It started out pretty sucky, though. I slept til around noon, then did a little cleaning and washed some laundry. I got the “dude, come out to the bar with us!!” call at around 9pm, and was still awake at 6am this morning when I drove home to change into business clothes for work, and then worked today on NO sleep (wreaking of cigarette smoke. Attractive) with only the help of a quadruple espresso from Starbuck’s to get me through the day. It was so fucking worth it though.

For New Year’s I’m going to The House of Blues. I can’t wait! I know it’ll be awesome

I had a very interesting doctor’s appointment this afternoon. I went in for my follow-up appointment for my shoulder, which hasn’t gotten any fucking better. So the nurse comes in and takes my vitals, asks all the normal questions, blah blah blah. We were talking about the medications I was on, and she asks me, “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?” and I said, “Uh, no,” to which she replied, “Just checking. Maria (my doctor) is convinced that everyone in the world is pregnant.” I laughed to myself and was like “Oookayyyy…”

So my doctor comes in, we talk and whatever, and she writes me 2 new prescriptions. “While you’re taking these, avoid alcohol and pregnancy.” I reply, “I think I can handle that,” lol. She leaves to get the info for the Sports Medicine doctor I’m gonna be following up with, and then comes back a few minutes later. “There’s no chance that you’re pregnant, right?” lmao WTF?? So I was like, “No… there isn’t…” So what does she do?? She makes me take a pregnancy test to make sure! “These medications are very strong. I can’t take any chances.” Hahaha I was standing there completely dumbfounded. I took her stupid test, and after she left, the nurse comes back and says, “See what I mean?” It was so fucking random! I think I’m gonna look for a new doctor now, because apparently mine is a nut.

All these freaking muscle relaxers and pain killers are freaking me out. I don’t really know why. I think it’s mostly because they make me black out, and I hate that. I hate having gaps of life I can’t recall. I can’t really take them while I’m at work because it’s hard to be super sharp and bubbly when I feel faded… lol

I’m very happy to say that my life has recently turned in a different direction. I’ve met some truly awesome people, and I can see that my life is going to change very soon (for the better). I’m pretty excited I’ve also pretty much decided that when my lease is up at my apartment in April, I’ll be moving to Dallas. My friends and job are all there, and this commuting back and forth is getting to really seriously suck. I’m not really sure yet where in Dallas I’ll be looking to move, but I can pretty much guarantee it will be north of I-30. It’s like, if I want to hang out with friends at night on a weekday, I have to drive 45 minutes home, then (around) 45 more minutes back out to Dallas to hang out, and then 45 more minutes back home (which really sucks when it’s like 2am and you’re TIRED).

So yeah… I think that pretty much covers everything for right now.

I have 3 drafts sitting here. Entries I wrote and never posted. Reading them now, I’m glad they never got posted. lol! They’re all mostly drunken bitching about work and whatnot. While all those feelings were very real at the time, they seem so insignificant now as I’m sitting with a fire lit, drinking chicken broth. Yum! Having a fire lit is so relaxing. Seriously… whether I’m drinking broth, hot chocolate, or alcohol, it all relaxes me just the same if I have a fire going. Seeing as how I’d never gotten to experience any of this until a week or two ago, it’s a very welcome discovery.

I had a doctor’s appointment today for the muscle spasms I’ve been having in my shoulder since like, February. When I was still living in Houston, this was something ongoing that my doctor there was treating me for. Seeing as how she had given me a buttload of Naprosyn, I never saw my new doctor about my shoulder; I just kept taking the pills I already had. I still have plenty of the pills, but the pain has gotten exponentially worse in the last month or two, so I gave in and went to my new doctor about it today. I have this weird fear that my doctor will think I’m a hypochondriac or pill junkie or something, so I hate going in for pain or insomnia. When I first got this new doctor, I was sure to tell her that I had been on Ambien for 6 months and quit taking it went I started feeling dependent upon it - that way she wouldn’t give me any weird looks when other problems came up. I don’t know… that’s probably a really weird fear to have… or maybe it’s just a guilty conscience. I don’t know. So anyways, today she prescribed me SOMA and a corticosteroid for the spasms, and if I’m still in pain next Monday then she’s sending me to get injections into my shoulder. Lovely. To be honest, as much as I hope the pills work so that the pain goes away ASAP, I’m almost more so hoping that the pills don’t work, that way I’ll have to have the injections. That might not make sense to a lot of people, but I’m in SO much recurring pain that I just want the injections so that I’ll have more confidence that the pain won’t come back. I mean, pills have only been a temporary solution for so long, so I’m starting to lose hope in them. If injections are like, a “last resort” then that must mean that they’re definitely gonna work. I don’t know…. I just want the pain to stop.

Work has been a riot… and I sorta mean “riot” in both of the ways it could be taken. Christmas-time is the busiest season in my industry, so I haven’t had much idle time at work. On top of that, I fired one of my assistant managers last week, so me and my other remaining assistant manager have been taking turns covering her shifts until I get my other girl promoted to take her place. It’s interesting though, because apparently some of the other stores in my district are doing so badly that help from other states started flying in yesterday. Even my boss from California is coming out in a couple of weeks to help one of the shitty stores out here. In my opinion, it makes us ALL look bad, which is sad because there’s really only 2 stores that suck out here, and the problem there is their managers. The best friends I’ve made in DFW have been other managers in my district, and we’ve all known how shitty these other certain managers are for like, MONTHS. Ugh, whatever. I’ve stayed in contact with my old boss from California, so he knows everything I know. At least now he’ll get to see it with his own eyes.

Aside from working 60+ hours per week, everything’s going great. I’ve been going out a lot with my friends from work, which is NEVER dull! lol! Oh man. Broken fingers… falling out of chairs in restaurants… hugging trees because you’re too drunk to stand… chasing a “pretty kitty” down a dark alleyway…good stuff! Hahaha

I have been rather homesick lately, though. As if I didn’t already miss home enough, I spent 2 hours last week talking to my old boss, and he said I’m always welcome back to work for him. He said, “Just come back, point your finger at a store, and it’s yours!” Fuck. If I could afford rent in California, I’d be gone in an instant. I gave up my family and friends for what I have here, and I realize now that it wasn’t worth it. If only I could afford it! lol Granted, I’d miss the new friends I’ve made here, but I gave up so much more in California. What a Catch-22. Oh well - at least I’ve found happiness, regardless of where I live. And the grass will ALWAYS be greener on the other side.