Nicole’s Blog

How am I supposed to be okay when I’m sure that I’m going insane? Like, literally crazy. The kind of insanity that plagues geniuses. I’m losing my mind because it’s all too much - it’s too big to wrap my mind around. My brain is already going 100mph, and it’s only being fueled and further accelerated by all the little possibilities and details that are probably completely coincidental… but it’s all just throwing my mind into overdrive. I can’t make it stop. I don’t even trust myself anymore. I’m doubting everything I thought I’d figured out, and am instead questioning my sanity.

Because of some changes going on at work, I got a new Regional Manager and District Manager all at once. Thankfully, my new Regional Manager is one of my old bosses from California, so it’s a good change. He called to talk to me on Thursday, and I was amazed at how many small details he remembered about my life from when I used to work for him (5 years ago!). He remembered that my dad and I had a falling out, and that I’d moved to Inglewood to stay with some family friends that I was referring to as my aunt and uncle. Crazy. Anyways, he heard through the grapevine about some of the family problems I’m having back home and wanted me to know that I’m in great standing with the company I work for, and that if I feel like I need to move back, just tell him. I don’t know if that means I’d have a job out there or not, but we’re gonna talk some more about it over lunch or dinner when he comes out here in a couple weeks. He did tell me that our company still has no plans to expand into NorCal though, which sucks… but I figured that. My company started out in California 13 years ago and expanded out to other states from there, so if we don’t have stores in NorCal by now, then I doubt we ever will… especially considering that we’re expanding into Europe this year. It would’ve been really convenient to be closer to my mom, but it feels good to hear that my job is secure, even though I sorta knew it would be anyways.

I had a pretty rough first week back at work from my vacation, but I’m home now and tomorrow’s my day off, so I have a break until Monday. I think my boss and I sorta “got into it” on Wednesday when he came to my store, and I’m dreadfully ill, yet again. I tell you what, this Texas weather/climate is not kind to me. So now I have sinusitis (again), an inner ear infection (again), and bronchitis (again). My meds have me feeling hella stoned, and all I wanna do is sleeeeep. Don’t get me wrong - I love my sleep - but there comes a point where it gets to be too much. On Thursday after I got home from the doctor and from getting my prescriptions filled, I slept from 7:30pm until 8:00am the next morning. Last night I didn’t fall asleep until pretty late, but I totally couldn’t get myself out of bed for work. I overslept, bought a quad-shot mocha at Starbucks, and was still nodding off in my office all day. Now that I’m home and actually capable of sleeping, my medication’s worn off and I’m wide awake (of course… hahaha). It’s cool though… I think I’m gonna brew some coffee and start working on cleaning my apartment. I’m so mad at myself for not cleaning it before I went to California.

Also, I took a look at the receipt I got when I returned my rental car at the airport. Yes, that does say that I drove 3,000 miles in 15 days. Good lawd!

Prior to my last 2 blog posts, I’d taken a hiatus from writing. Yes, a one year hiatus… but still! Anyways, I had a lot of things happen in the last year, but I can tell by reading my entry from March ‘09 that I’ve picked my blog back up right at the perfect spot. I was so homesick that I thought I was gonna come out of my skin, and now here I am… one year later, having just gotten back to Texas from my long-overdue visit back home. After the day I had yesterday, I didn’t think I was ever gonna make it back to Texas (it was a sign, I say! A sign!!). I flew via Southwest, and I went online to do my whole online check-in, boarding pass print-out, etc on Saturday. I started freaking out because I was going through all my stuff, and I couldn’t find the info for my return flight ANYWHERE. It wasn’t even on my online itinerary anymore. I was starting to think I’d lost my mind! I finally went into my e-mail to double-check my original confirmation when I purchased my tickets, where I discovered I had accidentally booked my return flight for Saturday morning! My flight was for 11:20am, and it was now after 4pm. I freaked out because I’d bought non-refundable tickets, but Southwest was able to transfer the credit towards the purchase of a new ticket for this morning. I had to pay the difference though, which was almost $100. So then, I get to the airport this morning, around an hour and a half before my departure time, to find a MASSIVE line that’s wrapped around the front of the terminal at LAX, and that was just the line to check luggage! I still had to get through the TSA Checkpoint. By the time I finally got to the front of the line to check my bags, I’d already missed my flight. Ri-freakin-diculous. The kind young gentleman behind the counter was kind enough to get me another flight, but I was sooo upset. Not like, angry or anything… just overwhelmed. I’d just had a life-changing 2 weeks that I’m still trying to process, and then this happens. But in the end, I finally made it back to DFW, and now I’m curled up in my pajamas and chillin’ to some music. I’m sooo glad I scheduled myself not to work tomorrow lol I’m gonna be spending all night doing laundry and cleaning the war zone I left in my apartment when I was flying out my door to catch the flight to LA that I almost also missed.

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now, I don’t even know how to begin sorting and processing them. I definitely need some self-reflection time to figure a lot of things out. A shower would be nice, too.

My visit back home has been everything I thought it’d be, nothing at all what I thought it’d be, and everything in between.

Things I was expecting:
-Seeing the people I love for the first time in over 2 years
-Having fun with my best friend
-Not wanting to leave it all behind again
-Feeling a sense of connection with the place I’m from
-Proving to myself how much greener the grass is
-Not having enough time for everything and everyone

Things I wasn’t expecting:
-Where I’d be visiting my mom and my brother
-Reconnecting with my dad
-A renewed understanding of the “bigger plan” that’s always at play
-Making more new friends than existing ones I ended up seeing
-Not having enough time for everything and everyone

I met a lot of new people while I was out here, and will be taking back to Texas a lot of memories that I will never forget. Strangely enough, I don’t call Texas home - California is still my home. Tomorrow I’m going back to Texas, not going back home. I’m home now, and I feel like I’m leaving it for the first time all over again.

In reference to my last blog post, I really do believe that everything that’s meant to happen eventually does, and that you eventually meet everyone you’re supposed to meet. Sometimes, the realization that you’ve met someone who somehow fits into a bigger plan that you don’t know about yet can be such an intense feeling. It’s like a deja vu in a way, but not. Like the feeling you get when you first realize you’re having a deja vu - where you know you’ve seen this all before, and you’re eager for each next second to pass so you can see what’s gonna happen next. It’s all hazy, and you know that somewhere in your mind you know what’s gonna happen already, but you can’t seem to remember it until you see it. That’s how I feel right now, except…. not. Like, there’s a massive foreshadowing going on in my life, and something huge and life-changing is about to happen to me, but I have no idea yet what it is. I DO know, however, that it’s gonna be a positive change that will come with a lot of hard work, struggle, pain, and difficulty, but that it’s going to make my life better, and it’s what was always meant to happen. I just wish I could figure out what it is. I truly believe that I’ll be moving back to California, but I don’t know when or how. It’s just all so much… there’s so much fate swirling around my mind and body right now… it’s overwhelming. I also feel like nobody is going to understand this, and that you’ll all think I’m out of my fucking mind… but that’s cool. I can’t wait to see what this big change will be. I know that I’ll recognize it immediately when it happens, and I’ll be sure to post about it so I can say, “Ha! You see?? I’m NOT crazy! This has been coming!”

Things are coming together. There are things at work that are coming together around me and being placed in my life. I started noticing it around the beginning of March and it’s still happening, and it won’t stop until whatever it is is finished.

They say everyone in this world is connected to eachother by six degrees of separation. In other words, for everyone on the planet, you know someone who knows someone, who knows someone, who knows someone (etc), who knows them. This is a concept that I believe in 100%.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that sometimes I’ll meet someone who I’m incredibly drawn to, and I can’t comprehend why. Sometimes I’m drawn to a person who I’d normally despise, but for some reason I can’t explain, I feel like I need to get to know them better. This was especially true with a girl I met in high school. She transferred in at the start of my senior year, and on her first day she was telling everyone - all these people she didn’t know - that she wanted to be a Playboy Bunny or a stripper after graduation. Normally, I wouldn’t speak a word to girls like these, but I felt SO drawn to her. I couldn’t understand it. We became practically best friends and about 2 months later, through our normal everyday conversations, we discovered we were actually best friends when we were toddlers. Her mom babysat me, and she was my best friend until I was around 4. Then her family moved away, we lost contact with them, and I never heard from her again. My family moved away a couple years later, and that was that. So here we were, more than 10 years later, going to the same high school in a city that neither of us were originally from, and we’re best friends even though we’re complete opposites.

It’s like a have I sense for people I’m somehow connected to, even if I don’t know it yet. This happens to me ALL the time with people. I love meeting new people, and sometimes I don’t trust my instincts about them. I usually discover our connection later on… sometimes even after the opportunity to ever talk to them about it has long passed. I really wish I could stress enough to all of you how this connection I get to people feels when it happens. You could almost compare it to “seeing fireworks” when you kiss someone you have a lot of chemistry with (although that’s never happened to me). It’s such a strong attraction I feel, and it’s not physical at all… it’s on some other level.

So anyways, this happened to me again twice this week, and now it’s happening for a 3rd time, but I haven’t investigated it. I have a new acquaintance I’m feeling that “we somehow know eachother… even if we’ve never met before” sense for, and I haven’t said anything to them about it yet. I haven’t mentioned it to them yet, and I usually never do because I think a lot of people either don’t understand this feeling I get, or they do but they don’t find it as important or as interesting as I do.

Does this make sense to any of you? Does this blog post even make sense? To me this is a very, very big deal because it’s like… I don’t know… a spiritual experience (or something). Seriously, comment back and let me know. Even if you have no idea what I’m talking about, let me know. I’m really curious if this is something everyone else experiences.

I’m starting to realize that a lot of why I put up walls around myself is because I don’t know how to deal with feelings, emotions, or what-have-you. I used to think it was to protect myself from being hurt, which I still know is true, but a lot of it is actually because I don’t want others to see me in pain, and because I don’t know how to deal with anger and other similar feelings without crying… so, instead, I act like I don’t care enough to be hurt. Does that make sense? Anyways, that’s that.

And what the fuck is up with me backing myself up against the ass-kicking machine? Christ, I can be so fucking stubborn sometimes! I pick and choose who I’ll care about enough to let them fuck with my head, and I always end up letting in the ones who DO fuck with my head, and keep out all the people who I subconsciously know would never do that to me (not toooo too long ago, I pushed a really, really good person out of my life because I’m an asshole). I try so hard to not be one of “those” girls, and I like to tell myself and others that I’m NOT like other girls, but I guess you’ve just got to call a spade, a spade. When will I learn? Well, if I really am one of “those” girls, the answer is probably “never.” Die in a fire, world… die in a fire.

I’m starting to feel homesick again. The sucky thing about it is that, soon, I’ll have been here for 2 years, and I have a notorious pattern of giving up on things after two years. Examples:  I quit smoking for 2 years and started again, I maintained 2 years of sobriety in a sober living house when I was a teenager, my longest relationship (not including the on-again, off-again parts) was 2 years… this list really could go on, but I’ll stop. Anyways, I’m starting to wonder if living in Texas will last for longer than 2 years. Who knows… I could be really reaching to come up with this “2 Years” crap, but I guess only time will tell. Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? I guess I just need to get back home (yes, “home”) for vacation SOON, so I can see how I feel being back there; see if it still feels like home, or if it only feels like a familiar place I used to live. If it still feels like home to me, I think I need to start exploring a way to move back. But who knows? I could go back and end up having it feel foreign to me. Either way, I’m really anxious to test the water. I feel like I had an easier time making friends and meeting people back home than I’ve had here, but the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Anyone who disagrees is a dirty fucking liar.

It’s been a long time since my last post. My bad…

So much has been going on, I don’t even know where to start. I guess a good place would be with what’s on my mind right this second, which is the fact that I have a disgruntled ex-employee who filed a claim against my company with the EEOC. Joy. He’s claimed he was terminated due to retaliation and racial discrimination. What a crock. Seriously. I have 2 other employees who are the same race as him, and neither of them have ever come to me because they felt discriminated against. Anyways… as if he didn’t make my life hell enough while he still worked for me, he’s making my life hell still because I’ve spent MANY hours this week interviewing with HR, writing statements, and pulling my phone records off the internet to show that this guy has been texting me since we fired him.  Blahhh.

That aside, I spent 4 days in Charlotte, NC at the end of February visiting my friend Jimmy. Our friendship is, by far, the oldest one I have (we’ve been friends since I was 13). It was soooo awesome to go there! I really liked North Carolina. I thought all the trees were beautiful, plus it was a cozy 40 degrees throughout my whole trip. Woot! Jimmy’s roommate is from California too, and she actually grew up about 50 miles from where I grew up, so we spent a lot of time reminiscing about home, and driving Jimmy nuts with our lingo. Good times! I wish I could have gone for longer.

In one of my last posts (I think it was my most recent one?) I talked about how I was second-guessing my new friendships here. For a while, all my new friends disappeared off the planet, but we’re talking again now which is pretty sweet. We’re supposed to be going out tomorrow, but I don’t know yet if I can go because I’m preeetty sure I’m going to be having car problems from the storm we had today. It’s shuddering again like it was after the storm we had last year that took out part of my engine. Hmph

And lastly, my brother and his girlfriend came out here to visit in mid-February! It was freakin’ awesome! I hadn’t seen my brother since Christmas 2007 at our mom’s house… just a couple of days before I moved to Texas. I miss my brothers <3

I’m sitting in bed right now with an icepack on my ankle, and I can’t help but to think about how awesome this last week has been. Seriously, it’s been great. On Thursday, I got to go out with all my friends from work that I hadn’t spent time with since November. On Friday, I got to see my older brother after going well over a year without seeing him. On Saturday, I got to see him again, and now on Sunday I got to go race go-karts and play arcade games with all my employees for a work party. The go-karts are actually how I ended up with the icepack on my ankle. Some dumbass kids caused a massive accident on the track, and I got slammed into by some kid that I hope never gets a driver’s license. My ankle smashed into the rail on the inside of the go-kart, and now my ankle bone is hella bruised and swollen. Hmph. Whatever - it was a good night Aaaand I’m now the proud owner of a furry Care Bears pencil, thanks to prize tickets from trivia pwnage. Woot!

This next week promises to be just as great as last week, too! On Wednesday, I’ve got my first round of physical therapy for my gimp shoulder, and then on Sunday, I fly out to Charlotte, NC until next Wednesday to spend some time with a friend I’ve had for 11 or 12 years (yes folks, that’s the oldest friendship I’ve got!). I’m so amped - I can’t wait to go! I’m excited about seeing my friend, but I’m also really excited about getting away from work for 4 days.

I’m starting to feel so at home in Texas. It’s a great relief, and it came very slowly, but I’m really happy about it. If there’s one thing that sucks, it’s living 1,500 miles away from anything familiar, and having that constant, nagging feeling that you  belong somewhere else. The only real issue I’m having right now is trying to decide whether to move to Dallas, or to renew my lease where I’m staying in Bedford. I mean, I live so far from work right now, and it’s really inconvenient to commute so far each morning. I love the White Rock Lake area of Dallas, and I already found an apartment complex that I really want to move into. It’s just that I really love where I live now, and I don’t want to deal with packing up all my things and moving all over again. I had to do it twice last year, and I don’t feel ready to do it again. If I don’t do it in April though, I’ll be stuck here for another year and won’t be able to leave if I change my mind. Hmm I love Dallas, and I love all the things there are to do there, but I really like living in the suburbs, too. It’s safer and prettier and there’s less traffic. It’s just kinda boringgg…

So I went to see a doctor tonight, and she confirmed that I have bronchitis. Joy… I think I’ve covered all the “itises” in the last 3 months. Sinusitis, tendonitis, bronchitis… I’m so special And lucky me, I’ve enjoyed (not!) a steroid injection from each one of them. I’m gonna look like Barry Bonds soon, methinks. Whatever - I’m just glad I have a diagnosis now, because medication comes with a diagnosis, so I can start to feel better. I’m so glad that I have the day off tomorrow! Now I can finally SLEEP! My cough syrup (with codeine. What!) will be sure to get things started on the right foot. I’m so excited about the coughing finally going away!

I’m SO irritated right now! Irritated with work, my health, my personal life… everything! I pre-ordered the new P.O.S album, which I got today, and was hoping it’d be amazing enough to make me feel better, but it’s just a total letdown Even if I was perfectly serene, this album would still be a letdown. I’m still gonna give it a listen in my car (where the sound system is better), but I’m fairly sure that a speaker system won’t fix this. *sigh* On top of that, I’m pretty sure I have a new set of molars growing in, which is soooo painful. I feel like a 2-year old because I want a teething ring. lol! All I want is to chew on something to make it feel better. It’s definitely time to see a dentist. Seriously though, what 24-year old grows new teeth? I was fairly adamant that I had gotten my wisdom teeth when I was 16 or 17… but who knows? Apparently not, because dees are sum srs tooths.

The main reason I wish I wasn’t sick is because I haven’t been able to go out for a couple of weeks. I also haven’t been my normally bubbly and social self because I’ve felt like complete and utter crap. I’m starting to think that my new crowd is a little more critical than they try to appear, because they haven’t been the same towards me since I got sick. Like I’m a downer or something because I’m not my usual smiley, outgoing, vivacious self.  To be honest, I’m pretty sure that my cold has turned into bronchitis. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow, and I guess I’ll see what they say. All I know is that I’ve been living off of Theraflu and cough syrup for the last 2 solid weeks, and now I’m starting to get a stomach ache and nausea after I take it, so I’m thinkin’ it’s time to call it quits on all that. Guess I’ll see what happens tomorrow… but I just want to feel better. And to like, be able to talk without coughing.